Relationship problems

Problems of all kinds.

All marriages and couples have their ups and downs. Sometimes relationship problems are solved practically on their own, other times they solve the problem by talking to each other. On other occasions, unfortunately, they need a third person to help them get out of the quagmire.

Many of the problems that arise in a marriage have the same origin: lack of communication between the spouses. The cause of the problems can be very varied: one of the two may be dissatisfied with their sexual relationships, it is possible that the problems come from the difficulty in educating their children or it is also possible that the marriage is not what they are they expected and are disappointed.

In any case, much of the feeling of frustration that the couple experiences could have been avoided if they had both dealt with the problem when it first appeared. But more often than not, the initial problems are not addressed. They both think that time will solve them. Time passes, the couple does not talk about the issue and the problem grows bigger and bigger.

Lack of comunication.

In some couples there is practically no communication even from the beginning of their relationship. Others find it increasingly difficult to communicate. They can get to the point where they can’t even talk about what’s bothering them. Many young couples do not like to bring up the problem because they are trying to realize a romantic ideal of marriage. They think that if a problem is discussed, their idealization of marriage will be shattered.

The facts of daily life, daily living together, seeing the other tired and depressed, can violently return a couple to reality. It can become very difficult to cope with the daily marital relationship.

If from the very beginning of their relationships, the spouses do not speak to each other, as time passes, it will become much more difficult to break the ice. Spouses often fear that if they openly express their dissatisfaction, their marriage will suffer irreparable damage .

However, if problems are discussed, it is when there are greater possibilities for change. Dialogue makes their relationships develop fruitfully. Solving a problem will help both spouses to understand new facets about the other. It can even provide a stronger foundation for your relationships.

Sometimes it is impossible for a couple to break the ice on their own. In these cases they need the help of a third person. A psychologist or marriage counselor can help you examine your problem.

Marriage problems are inevitable

Seeking help for relationship problems.

Seeking help for relationship problems.

The friends.

Faced with relationship problems, many turn to their doctor, a priest or a trusted friend. Sometimes all you need is a third person to tell you what’s wrong.

On many occasions, after they have blown it off, they discover that it is easier to study the problem with their spouse. Other times, a couple will need more specialized help. In these cases, your doctor will be able to put you in contact with the corresponding specialist: a psychologist, a marriage counselor or a sexologist.

Only the couple knows the current state of their marriage: excellent, quite good, not very good or a real hell. However, the intervention of an outsider can often shed new light on a chronic problem.

A psychologist can help fix a marriage, instilling in the couple a new enthusiasm for the development and continuity of their relationships. In this case, the psychologist’s action will help the couple understand what has gone wrong and why, so that the factors that separate them from each other are reduced.

Sometimes in a marriage or in a couple, if one of the spouses has the courage to begin to examine an existing problem, the other tries by all means possible not to listen to him.

The frustration of not being listened to can become so intolerable that the only way to resolve the situation is to  call in a psychologist  who acts almost like an “interpreter” for the couple.

The mission of a psychologist or counselor is not to help a couple rebuild the marriage at any cost. The specialist will help the couple take an honest look at their current relationship and decide what it is that they both want.

Relationship problems can be difficult to solve

Sometimes both spouses turn to the psychologist. Others only attend one of them. Psychologists don’t often insist that both of you go to therapy sessions. It is very important to appear there calm and relaxed.

If one spouse is uncomfortable in the presence of the other or simply does not want it to be known that they have sought specialized help, it is best to go alone, at least initially. At a later stage, the psychologist may suggest that the other spouse come as well.

Visiting a psychologist on your own initiative can help many people to speak more openly with their partner when they return home.

Any change in one of the spouses will affect the relationship between the two. This can restore some balance to the marriage or the couple. At other times, it will be apparent that separation is the best possible solution.

Many believe that getting by is just a sign of courage. Consequently they think that requesting the help of a psychologist denotes weakness . Often the truth is the opposite. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you need the help of a specialist.

A psychologist or a therapist will recommend that both spouses talk to each other, especially about what they want to keep or eliminate from their relationships. Talking about relationship problems does not entirely solve them.

It is vital that each spouse listen to what the other has to say. Remember that hearing is not the same as listening . The most common complaint made by a spouse is:

“He (or she) never listens to me.”

Some people who go to a psychologist really have no desire to solve their relationship problems. Sometimes one spouse blames the other for everything and is unable to see their own mistakes. In other cases, the couple goes to a psychologist because someone they trust has suggested it. It may be a doctor, a priest or a lawyer. They don’t really want to go, but they go because they feel compelled to take that step. In such circumstances the aid will never achieve positive results.

Couples therapy can be a solution to problems

Some frequent relationship problems.

Some frequent relationship problems

Loss of freedom.

Many marriages are severely tested from the beginning of the relationship. It can be difficult for one or both spouses to always take the other’s feelings into account. Many people consider that by getting married they lose their personal freedom. It can be hard to know that Sunday afternoon is no longer reserved exclusively for soccer or fun.

Silence small problems.

Sometimes one or both spouses feel that their needs are not being taken into account or they are frustrated in their relationships and they feel unable to find a solution. No matter how small a problem, if left unaddressed, this can be the beginning of a whole list of complaints that will grow day after day.

If they do not exchange opinions, neither spouse knows what the other wants or feels and each of them can develop a feeling of failure. The natural reaction to this state of affairs is irritation, anxiety or anguish , depression or complete silence.

Imitating parents.

Many couples have lived happily together for years and then got married. Some discover that with marriage everything begins to change for the worse.

Sometimes the spouses do not know what they want from the marriage and unconsciously they model it according to and try to make it as similar as possible to that of their parents, since after all, it is the one they know best.

This can lead to serious conflicts between the couple, especially when the marriages of the parents of both spouses are quite different.

Additional problems can also arise when the in-laws of one of the two try to impose their own style of marriage. It takes unity of judgment and understanding of the issues for both spouses to create their own style and build the marriage in their own way.

Sexual disenchantment

Discovering sex is a wonderful experience for most couples. For others, however, it can be a severe blow, especially when both have little sexual experience.

Each time couples initiate sexual relations at an earlier age , but it is not exceptional that some couples postpone that moment until after being married.

Young people may find it difficult to talk about their sexual ignorance. Disappointments can arise when experiencing something that is not as wonderful as you thought. If sex is not so wonderful it can be difficult to tell your spouse, especially when the relationship is recent and there is a fear of “breaking the charm” at first.

At first a couple will be happy and sexual problems will not affect their lives too much, but sooner or later (through friends, the internet, magazines or movies) they will understand what they are missing. If they are unable to address the problem at this time, prolonged sexual dissatisfaction can begin.

Sometimes sexual problems appear in the couple

The children, a difficult time.

One of the most difficult moments in a marriage is the one that appears with the arrival of the first child . Going from being two to being three can be difficult for one of the members of the couple, who may feel jealous or despised.

The couple must learn to share the child between the two. It will perhaps be difficult, because there is not always time to sit and chat, when there is a hoarder and demanding baby in the house.

At times, the father will feel excluded from the “special relationship” that a mother has with her child. The mother may feel tied and isolated because she stays at home with a child who demands her attention at all times, while the father goes to work and seems to enjoy a healthy social life, just like the one he had before the baby was born.

It can also be very difficult to adjust to the independence of your children. In some middle-aged couples, the marriage begins to fail when the children leave the home. The couple considers their paternal mission completed and each of them is faced with the fact that one of their main tasks has disappeared. This can negatively impact your relationships.

Some couples who go to psychologists and have children go precisely because they believe that they must improve their relationship for the benefit of their offspring. In reality, children whose parents do not understand each other are often more deprived of love and security than those who live only with their father or mother.

Hiding unhappiness doesn’t do any good. The bad environment of an unhappy home is enough to affect the child, sometimes significantly and permanently.

Problems are frequent in couples

A change in lifestyle.

A small change in a couple’s life, such as moving house or getting another job can create a temporary feeling of insecurity and adversely affect a marriage.

These problems sometimes bring to the surface the cracks in marital relationships that are unable to withstand the anxiety brought on by change. These small crises can be a good thermometer for the couple to reconsider their relationships.

Loss of employment.

Unemployment or retirement can cause marital problems. Many people will consider themselves deprived of status, security, and worth when they lose their job. Suddenly, they stop seeing themselves as useful people and this is reflected in their attitude towards their partner. A woman who leaves her job to have a child may experience similar feelings and it will likely affect her spouse.

Death of a family member.

The death of a family member can also affect a marriage. It may take one or both spouses a long time to come to terms with the disappearance of a loved one.

Sometimes feelings of depression are mutually shared in a way that comforts both of you. At other times, the loss can be so painful that they are unable to bring it up and end up turning their backs on their spouse, shutting themselves up in their grief.

The death of a family member can cause a marital problem

The solution of the problem.

The solution of the problem

Any of these difficulties can be overcome by the couple. Sometimes spouses will work out problems together, making necessary adjustments in their relationship.

On other occasions, they require outside help and for this, psychologists or marriage counselors are important. No one should be afraid to see a psychologist, whatever the problem that affects their relationship.

The task of the psychologist is basically to listen to what a spouse or both have to say. The psychologist helps the couple to express their feelings and thoughts towards the other.

Your goal is to make it possible for both of you to understand how you got to that state and decide where you want to go. The psychologist never imposes a decision, he can only help the spouses to solve the problem on their own. They are the ones who must decide their future: rebuild their relationship or face a separation in the least traumatic way possible.

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Alexa Clark specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She has experience in listening and welcoming in Individual Therapy and Couples Therapy. It meets demands such as generalized anxiety, professional, love and family conflicts, stress, depression, sexual dysfunction, grief, and adolescents from 15 years of age. Over the years, She felt the need to conduct the psychotherapy sessions with subtlety since She understands that the psychologist acts as a facilitator of self-understanding and self-acceptance, valuing each person's respect, uniqueness, and acceptance.

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