Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

Triangular theory of love.

Triangular Theory of Love

Despite the importance and relevance that love has in our daily lives, few authors dedicated themselves to studying it in depth.

Recently, a series of theories about it were formed, surely due to the growing demand to study this phenomenon.

In this article, we will analyze one of the most accepted and widespread theories that studies and analyzes love in the couple: The Triangular Theory of Love.

This theory was formulated by Robert J. Sternberg in the late 1980s . It was widely disseminated and today it is considered one of the main perspectives used to understand and explain love in the couple.

Sternberg is an American psychologist who has focused on investigating topics as diverse as intelligence or creativity. His interest in human relationships and falling in love stems from his particular conception of love. Quoting Sternberg himself:

“Love is one of the most intense and desirable human emotions.”

For him, love is a feeling inherent to the human being. Regardless of sex, age, etc. we can all one day become overwhelmed by this experience.

Sternberg spent much of his career analyzing and trying to understand how the ins and outs that underlie romantic love are organized and work.

Components of the triangular theory of love

In the Triangular Theory of Love, three main dimensions are conceived that make up love relationships: Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

” For Sternberg, love relationships have three components or dimensions: intimacy, passion and commitment.”

Using a more visual resource, these three elements would make up the vertices of a triangle. Your area would correspond to the love that the person feels towards their partner. Finally, its geometric design would expose the weight of each of the elements.

This triangular representation shows us in a clear and graphic way the balance and the load of each dimension.

Different types of triangles.

Each triangle will have a certain composition in shape and size depending on the context and particularities of the relationship. For example, if these dimensions were perfectly balanced, it would result in an equilateral triangle.

These three elements are not immovable, but they evolve and change over time. Therefore, different combinations and triangular formations will occur at different times.

It should be noted that the importance of the three dimensions is different based on the type of relationship that people have.

Depending on the cultural, social, political, geographical situation, etc. some may be heavier than others. Each of these elements has its own particular temporal evolution. They are not formed in isolation, they interrelate and influence each other.

“Each love relationship can be represented by a triangle with different sides and angles, which change over time.”

Intimacy, Passion and Commitment make up this triangle.

Sternberg says that intimacy, for example, gains weight as the relationship develops. This growth occurs more quickly at the beginning of it. The passion, however, is usually very intense at the beginning, but its levels decrease as time passes. In the end, he tends to have a rather moderate weight in the relationship.

“The passion is usually very intense at the beginning of the relationship and fades over time.”

Commitment also tends to build little by little and may take longer to form than intimacy itself. But once time passes and the couple evaluates the cost-reward of the relationship, it stabilizes.

Privacy

Sternberg conceives intimacy as that bonding feeling that brings people closer together emotionally. It implies union, affection, closeness, connection, respect, emotional support, feelings of security, tranquility, etc.

It doesn’t have to involve passion or commitment.

“There is talk of intimacy when both people have no qualms about exposing themselves as they are to the other.”

It implies that there is a high level of acceptance and trust on the part of both of you. In addition, a strong desire arises to promote the well-being of the couple, valuing them and caring for them with affection.

The capacity for intimate communication and mutual understanding is also essential. Both must know how to express their needs, fears, desires, fears … in an assertive way.

You have the certainty that you can trust the partner and there is an effort to try to understand and listen to the other.

Passion

Passion refers to a state characterized by the intense desire and need for union with the other. This state produces a very characteristic physical and mental exaltation. The feelings and the need that arise from them drive us to desire the person. It refers above all to those sensations that have to do with “infatuation”, sexuality, and so on. Now, it does not have to be a carnal union, necessarily.

Passion is what many people know as “crush” or “love at first sight.”

Passion may (or may not) occur alongside the dimensions of intimacy and commitment. However, it has often been seen that intimacy and passion are often connected, even in opposite ways.

For example, it is known of people that intimacy interferes negatively when it comes to having erotic relationships. However, sexual intimacy is usually an important element in the affective-sexual experience of the couple.

Passion also involves the expression of wants and needs. These may refer, for example, to aspects such as affective-sexual satisfaction, the need to feel accepted, to surrender to the other, to dominate / be submissive …

Sternberg mentions that passion depends largely on intermittent reinforcement, and that it grows on the basis of it. It does not happen, on the contrary, with intimacy or commitment.

“Passion is more negatively affected if it is continually experienced with success.”

Similarly, a constant experience of failure produces frustration and often leads to a total loss of passion. However, this is magnified when success and failure are intermittently combined.

Passion is what we know as a “crush”.

Commitment

Finally, commitment implies the free decision to share life with that person. They are those expectations towards the future that both conceive, build, assume and commit to carry out as a couple.

“For Sternberg, commitment implies the free decision to share life with the other person.”

It is the way that both have to work the couple and maintain the relationship in order to continue together. Here the values ​​of both members of the couple come into play.

Characteristic aspects such as fidelity, agreements, loyalty, support, responsibility … Normally, if both members take care in this sense of the relationship, the couple tends to become more established.

In general, we can say that the commitment you have at the beginning of the relationship is different. When we start a relationship, commitment has more to do with the decision that one makes to love the other and be with him.

However, when we refer to the long term, life plans appear. Expectations and long-term goals are built that both members of the couple share. If this commitment is maintained, the two of them will work to make this life project go forward.

With this, the commitment can be linked (or not) equally to the other two elements. Sometimes it doesn’t go beyond the initial relationship, evaporating as the passion does.

Intimacy tends to push the relationship to solidify, move forward, and the commitment to take hold. Normally, it is characterized by being a stabilizing agent when there are problems in the couple. If these are not resolved, the commitment is usually broken and the plans drawn up by the couple are dissolved.

Types of love

Types of love

Based on what we have seen previously, different types or forms of love can be conceived. These arise from the different combinations that exist between Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. Sometimes a single element may exist in the relationship. But the absence of them makes it more likely that the relationship will not be maintained over time.

“The different proportions of intimacy, passion and commitment determine the different kinds of love.”

Sternberg exposes seven different types of love:

Affection.

An intimate bond that implies affection and closeness. It is a feeling that is often shared with family and closest friends. Here there is intimacy, but no physical passion, and no long-term commitment.

“Affection is fundamentally based on intimacy.”

Infatuation

It is the well-known “love at first sight”, a passing love based solely on passion, without implying intimacy or commitment.

“Passion is the fundamental ingredient of infatuation.”

The person feels it and lives it intensely, although it is usually a sensation that tends to dissipate over time.

Romantic love thrives on affection and physical attraction.

Romantic love.

Romantic love, where the couple share feelings of affection and physical attraction. That is, both are linked by bonds of intimacy and passion, not necessarily implying commitment. It is very common to see this type of love in romantic literature.

Empty love.

This type of love usually occurs when both maintain the couple relationship despite the fact that it is inert. That is to say, here there is neither passion nor intimacy, they have lost that intimate bond and physical attraction, but their mutual commitment to the other remains.

“In many cultures, empty love is a sign that the relationship is about to break down.”

However, in other societies, this type of love is the first step to start a long-term relationship, for example in arranged marriages.

Sociable love.

It is quite common in couples who have been together for a long time, where there is strong love and commitment, but where the passion has gone. It is a stronger love than affection, because there is a commitment between the two.

Love a fool

Fatuous love arises from a combination of passion and commitment where there is no intimacy. The latter usually takes time to develop, and in these types of relationships it is not given enough space.

“Fatuous love is a ‘lightning romance’ in which the couple meet, a strong passion arises and they impulsively get engaged soon after.”

Because it is a hasty love, where intimacy is hardly worked, it does not usually last in the long term.

Consummate love

It is the most balanced and complete love according to Sternberg, the “ideal relationship as a couple.” Many people aspire to it, but few are those who can achieve and maintain it. It requires a lot of care and effort on the part of both of you.

“Consummate love is the ideal relationship for a couple.”

Sternberg emphasizes that maintaining this type of love is very difficult and points out the importance of both of you doing your part to make the relationship go forward.

Still, love doesn’t have to last forever. It is very common, for example, to lose passion on the road, thus converting consummate love into sociable love.

Graphic representing Sternberg’s triangular theory of love.

Real, ideal and perceived triangles

It is quite common to think that the feelings and emotions involved in a relationship are fundamental. However, in the beginning and maintenance of the same influence numerous aspects, both at a theoretical and practical level.

Sternberg talks about real triangles when the levels of Intimacy, Passion and Commitment are adjusted to reality .

The perceived triangles are made up of the subjective perception that each person has of these three dimensions.

Lastly, there would be the ideal triangles . We know that expectations about “what a couple should be” play a fundamental role in it.

“The love relationship is influenced by the ideals that each member of the couple possesses.”

The ideals of a person are built from childhood and are influenced by the context and previous experiences of the individual. In this way each person has a clear image of their ideal partner.

When your partner coincides with your ideal (which is very rare that it happens), the real triangle acquires the properties of the ideal triangle, since the levels of passion, commitment and intimacy are what you expected. In this case there is no longer any need to think: “oh ,. I wish my partner was more… or less…. ”).

Therefore, in this situation the ideal triangle totally coincides with the real one. Over time, these levels, perceptions and expectations often change. So, what was ideal before, is no longer so and an imbalance appears. So, there would already be those two triangles, the ideal (what I would like it to be) and the real one (what it really is).

When this happens, people tend to make unfavorable comparisons of the ideal image with the real image of the couple. The feelings resulting from this comparison are very important when evaluating a relationship as satisfactory.

In several studies, it has been shown that approaching the ideal helps to increase personal and partner satisfaction. Sternberg and Barres (1985) also argue that an indicator of satisfaction in the couple is the similarity in the real, perceived and ideal triangles.

Triangular Theory of Love: Conclusions.

Triangular Theory of Love

In his Triangular Theory of Love, Sternberg exposes a new way of understanding love as a couple. It is not just a broad and flexible point of view, but it is a theory that refutes many of the notions about love that have been taken for granted for a long time.

For example, that a relationship depends solely on the feelings that both partners have for the other. We have already seen that the ideal expectations that people have in relationships equally influence and can transform those feelings.

“Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love is a key model for understanding, analyzing and studying love relationships.”

Many scientists rely on this theory as a fundamental pillar in their research on couple love. While it covers many types of relationships, it is not exhaustive. In fact, Sternberg affirms that there are other types of relationships where there is no intimacy, passion or commitment. These would be sustained based on other variables that would be worth studying.

As we can see, love is a complex phenomenon, always trying to be understood by the human being. Due to this complexity, its scientific study has been laborious. But theories like Sternberg’s help us shed light on how love relationships work.

The three components of his theory are like structural pillars that support the couple. Its development, as well as the balance between the elements are fundamental and can be transformed over time. Understanding how these dimensions interact and how they influence the couple makes it easier for us to work on our personal relationships.

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Alexa Clark specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She has experience in listening and welcoming in Individual Therapy and Couples Therapy. It meets demands such as generalized anxiety, professional, love and family conflicts, stress, depression, sexual dysfunction, grief, and adolescents from 15 years of age. Over the years, She felt the need to conduct the psychotherapy sessions with subtlety since She understands that the psychologist acts as a facilitator of self-understanding and self-acceptance, valuing each person's respect, uniqueness, and acceptance.

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