Adolescence is a difficult time in development. It is frequent that confrontations arise between parents and children. Rebellious attitudes are the order of the day. Rivalry behaviors between parents and children are also not uncommon. Let’s take a closer look at this phenomenon.
Index
Adolescence: Rivalry and rebellion.
Rivalry and resentment between parents and children often begin when the child is very young. But usually it takes a family crisis for them to surface. The intensity of the feelings at stake can come as a real surprise.
Rivalry and resentment between parents and children can become a big problem for the family. Most of the time, those emotions are deeply buried within family relationships. It is rare that neither side realizes what they really are.
They often express themselves in violent outbursts , with strongly emotional behaviors. Other times they alternate with periods of bad mood, especially during adolescence. They usually arise when, in the family or in one of its members, a serious crisis occurs. So the hatred, bitterness and jealousy expressed can come as a surprise to all those affected.
Natural feelings during adolescence.
Both parents and children have to learn to adapt to their respective roles. Children must grow up and assume the responsibilities of being adults. For their part, parents must learn not to be possessive. They must accept that sooner or later their children will want to leave home and start their own lives.
It is during this dual maturation process that children’s resentment towards their parents is most clearly revealed. Not only towards them, but also towards their ways of living. During this period, the children are acquiring an increasing capacity to formulate reasoned judgments.
These judgments may not necessarily coincide with your earlier, more automatic and instinctual feelings of love and dependence. Given this fact, they may feel stupid for not having known how to see the more human side of their parents before.
Appearance of the crisis.
The form the crisis takes will largely depend on the specific circumstances of the family. A father may be impatient with his children for not being able to understand things that he sees clearly. In fact, you are most likely unconsciously jealous as your children grow up. He will remember with nostalgia and envy, his own lost youth.
These repressed feelings of rivalry between parents and children often form the core of many family crises. Children may, for example, resent the privileges of their adult parents. They will be impatient to get those privileges, too. Hence, both parties, parents and children, can see themselves, consciously or unconsciously, as rivals in one sense or another.
As with other human emotions, there is no single cause to explain these feelings of rivalry and competition. There are a multitude of reasons. These can range from general social attitudes and customs to specific family problems.
Adolescence: Sexual rivalry between parents and children.
Rivalry plays a huge role in the evolution of the parent-child relationship. The former smile with amusement at the first expressions of sexual rivalry on the part of young children. If a child says, “I would like Daddy to go to marry Mommy,” it is considered a grace. We will surely tell our friends, who will be equally amused and admired. But what the child may be really expressing is:
“I am jealous of my father because my mother loves him. She is affectionate with him, and that interferes with his love for me. “
Many parents find that their preteen may maintain this attitude, attempting to intrude or interrupt them when they openly express physical attraction or affection for one another. When this happens, the issue should be approached gently but firmly. On the one hand, it is convenient to recognize the child’s need for security. On the other hand, he must be made to understand that his parents also have the right to openly express their feelings within the family.
Competition between parents and children.
Sometimes the sexual rivalry between children and their parents can erupt in the form of overt competition. It is usually expressed in an attempt on the part of the son to show that he loves the mother more than his “rival.” The same can happen with the girl. She may try to appear more beautiful and desirable than her mother; a boy can challenge his father to tests of strength, or he can also help the mother more with housework and spend more time with her, thus trying to show that he can be a better male partner than his father.
This type of competition should never be encouraged, since, if it is not resolved within the family itself, it can extend to certain areas of social life. The child may end up adopting a competitive attitude towards people in general, especially those of the same sex, striving at all times to demonstrate his physical, sexual or social power. And when the child finally begins to separate from the family, feelings of guilt, because of the stupid behavior, can become emotionally limiting.
Children and the generation gap.
The other fundamental cause of rivalry between parents and children is simply the difference in age. Many children are initially jealous for the simple fact that their parents met before they were born.
And for many children it is a “shock” to find that they will never be able to “catch up” with their parents. At first they may be envious thinking that their parents will always have more experience than they. However, during adolescence, when you understand that your parents will die before them, you can transform your feelings of rivalry into others of sadness, given the fact that they will not live forever.
Many children may experience deep resentment at their parents’ age advantage. From their point of view, age provides them with all kinds of privileges. They can go to bed late, choose TV shows, dispose of their own money. They can also go out and have fun without any restrictions.
This resentment is more likely to become apparent during adolescence, a period in which children will feel especially insecure about their identity, as they are halfway between childhood and adulthood.
In this period they have already lost the joys of childhood, such as absolute security and lack of responsibility, but their parents still do not consider them fit to participate in adult life.
Patience and understanding attitude of parents.
Sexuality is the area in which resentments can be most bitterly experienced. An adolescent’s blind pursuit of sexual knowledge can lead to resentment of their parents’ lax attitudes toward sex.
Along with other problems of adolescence, this can be the cause of stormy arguments between parents and children. Children can take the attitude of “closing in on themselves.” There may be a permanent bad mood on the part of the adolescent who tries to reconcile himself with his maturing process.
Parents should try to react sympathetically by offering advice when asked. It is during this time that children react the worst to any sign of interference in their lives or relationships.
It can be tough for parents, but they have no choice but to learn to compromise . Sometimes they will have to be passive and just watch the evolutionary process of their children. They should intervene only if it is absolutely necessary. It may help to sit down together and discuss problems quietly. It can help for parents to try to remember what their own adolescence was like and what their feelings were then.
Parents and the generation gap.
On the other hand, parents may also feel jealous of their children when they begin to show signs of reaching adulthood. It is easy to love a helpless little child, but it is not the same with a touchy “semi-adult”, especially when they become a memory of their own “lost youth” to their parents.
The recognition by parents that their son or daughter is becoming aware of their own sexuality, and that they have many years of joy and fulfillment ahead of them, can often arouse anxiety and deep feelings of envy and jealousy. Parents today can experience them even more intensely than those in the past, as today’s teens are much better informed about sex and more likely to experiment openly with it.
Parents may therefore react with what will almost inevitably seem like old-fashioned behavior to the son or daughter: attempting to impose restrictions on their outings and demanding to know who they are dating. Of course, in many cases, adolescents are not yet capable of making reasonable and prudent decisions about sex and need some form of protection. But parents must take great care that, under their restrictions and warnings, feelings of envy and jealousy are not hidden at the fact that their children are doing what they could never do, and that they would still like to test whether they were not married, full of responsibilities and “too old”.
Missed opportunities.
Aside from sexual rivalry, the main reason parents can be competitive toward their children is that they bemoan the missed opportunities in their own lives. They may feel especially bitter if they believe that because of their children they have not been able to achieve some of the things they wanted in life.
Blaming the children for their failures.
This is an unfortunate situation, but children cannot be held responsible for parental decisions made in the past. Nor can they be expected to satisfy their frustrated ambitions, such as becoming doctors, lawyers, etc.
The happier parents are in their own lives and the more fulfilled and appreciated they feel, the less likely they will put their children under exaggerated and misplaced pressure.
Many fathers, and especially mothers, are jealous if they think their sons or daughters are more attractive than they are. They may also think that they have had greater educational opportunities than they did.
This jealousy may be due, in large part, to the fear that, if the son or daughter succeeds in life, they may distance themselves from their parents and even come to despise them.
It is important to remember that parents must realize the inevitability of their children leaving home. But they will only despise the lack of achievement or success of their children, if they themselves feel dissatisfied or consider that they have not known how to get the most out of their lives.
If you are constantly competing with someone, it will be difficult for you to appreciate their qualities or feel the slightest sympathy for the person in question. Rivalry between parents and children can destroy the happiness of family life and poison the relationships of all those affected.
Since the ability to maintain happy relationships with others is born and develops within the family, it is essential to deal with this rivalry as soon as it arises and not allow it to escalate into bitterness or resentment.
If rivalry and confrontational relationships become an insurmountable problem, the possibility of consulting a specialized psychologist should be considered .
Alexa Clark specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She has experience in listening and welcoming in Individual Therapy and Couples Therapy. It meets demands such as generalized anxiety, professional, love and family conflicts, stress, depression, sexual dysfunction, grief, and adolescents from 15 years of age. Over the years, She felt the need to conduct the psychotherapy sessions with subtlety since She understands that the psychologist acts as a facilitator of self-understanding and self-acceptance, valuing each person's respect, uniqueness, and acceptance.
